At times, I get crazy ideas as though my brain and my body are at war. My brain and my body are suddenly split into two camps. My beliefs, motivation, and control for weight loss are generated in my head, and the result of those efforts comes from my body. If I’m being honest, I have thought about the esoteric nature of hormones and their ability to sabotage my weight loss. The nonsensical rise and fall of weight fluctuation from one day to the next; what is that about? I think of my ever-elusive metabolic rate as if it holds a big rubber stamp to my weight loss efforts that proclaim…
My rational mind says, “You are your body and your mind and you sound paranoid” but my emotional mind says, “Weight loss isn’t happening as I know it should so there has to be something to blame.” Have you ever thought about weight loss in this way? I imagine you sitting there shaking your head, “Yes” and that makes me feel better because I know I’m not alone in my delusion… I like having company even when I get carried away.
I don’t get to control my hormones, metabolic rate, or naturally occurring weight fluctuation. I do control my ability to reflect on my progress and I get to call out my misguided thinking. Just because I do the “right things” every day doesn’t mean there will be a consistent result. I am making amazing progress. So when these thoughts entered my consciousness the other day, I was left with the question “What is my real problem?” I went down a slippery slope:
- I know my weight loss journey is forever, but I also know I don’t want it to take forever. I have a date in mind for when I want to achieve my goal weight. I predicted that I should reach my goal by the mid to end of November 2023. Making predictions informs my progress so this decision is not the problem.
- I took a look at my weight loss data from the beginning of August to now, and I see very clearly – positive results. Over the past three weeks, I have lost 3.9 pounds. Knowing this information is not the problem.
- I reevaluated my prediction based on my current trend for weight loss, If I were to make my goal by my projected date, I would need to lose 2.7 pounds a week. Given my current trends, a more realistic goal date would be mid-January. Adjusting my goal date is not a problem either.
So what’s the problem?
Before working out the data to reflect a more sustainable weight loss, I had the thought, “Maybe if I really push myself, I can lose 2 pounds a week and get really close to my original goal date.” If I made the decision to push harder in service of the numbers I would be giving up my power to the scale. I know from my past, that’s not ok for me to do. So why do I feel like I am wavering? There is more than one reason why:
- The first reason I can think of is that lately, I’ve been eating more. I didn’t have dinner one night and ate junk. I tracked most of it but not all. Things like that are going to happen, I’m not a machine! However, it doesn’t mean that I should ignore the behavior and just write it off either.
- Another reason is that the holidays begin in November, and I am imagining myself looking and feeling as if I made it to goal. I know that’s superficial and not the most important part of this journey, but there is some vanity tied up in weight loss for me. That’s the truth.
Is that all there is to it?
No wait, there’s more. Brutal honesty now. Yesterday, I saw some friends who have made the choice to use medication or surgery to lose weight. I really care about my friends and I truly want them to be successful. That is the truth but this is also true, I feel competitive about reaching my goal later than they do In my mind I imagine them being at their healthy weight, and I am still in the trenches.
It’s like there is a petty side of me who wants to be able to say, “I don’t need those things I can control my own journey, all on my own.” I don’t even feel that way. I know weight gain is such a hard thing. Everyone’s journey is unique and so long as our choices are supported by good health guidelines, there is no one “right way” there is no “one superior way” It is clear to me that I have plenty of work to do on myself. All this has nothing to do with my friends or their choices, it has to do with my own self-esteem. At times, I am clearly still the little girl who feels less than her peers. The girl who feels the need to outdo everyone else as though it’s the only way to prove I’m just as good.
It’s time to call a truce with body and mind. I need to make peace with the fact that I don’t get to control everything. Hormones happen and negative talk will sometimes dominate. When this happens that means it’s time for me to do the work, and reflect to decide what will happen next. That is the only way I can think of to evolve and come out of this wiser than when I began. All of these things could have coalesced into a major setback, so I am filled with gratitude and relief that I did this work:
- I used data to speak back to irrational fear and not let the scale take away my power. The data is clear it is undeniable that I am making great progress.
- I was honest about my fears and vanity and that silenced the negative self-talk that would have spun a familiar (and destructive) faulty narrative of being less than.
- I trusted all of you and shared my story. I put it all out here and I “walked the walk” even though it made me vulnerable because I can’t be brave without being vulnerable.
If anything I’ve written today resonates with you and maybe you feel a setback coming on, that means it’s time to be honest with yourself. Do the work, and reach out if you think it will help but no matter what, don’t stop the journey.
Getting to Goal 