Today a teacher’s assistant made a joke that maybe I should gain some weight. Yes, that happened. I don’t think she meant to be insensitive, sometimes people don’t realize how their words may be received. I include myself in that crowd. I’m sure if you were to go through my posts, you’d find things that could be misinterpreted. Words are powerful. Sharing my story is one way I was able to get to goal and achieve Lifetime status. Now it’s an important part of how I manage maintenance. This is where I try to be completely honest about how it’s going.
So… how’s it going?
I’ve been struggling lately, I have found myself picking at food and not tracking. Eating some foods that are not helpful and tend to make me hungrier. For example, I love cereal but it’s not a good food choice for me. I’ve been finding myself in the kitchen on the hunt for something to eat when I’m not really hungry. It’s only just recently over the past few days, that I’ve been able to turn it around. I’m tracking and I’m rolling over points. I’m being thoughtful about what I eat and how much. I’m working on being mindful and that helps a lot.
I guess I’m learning not to be so fixed with my story and to just be open to what is really happening now. I can do this, I can do this. I can do this. So can you.
It was a missed opportunity that I decided to not track on Tuesday. I think the lesson I’m taking from this week is that I’d rather know. Next time, I’m going to try to track even when I don’t want to. I can do it I know that I can.
I changed some of the language on my WW Recovery Checklist because I want to better capture my reflections so I can make more informed goals.
Objectivity and weight loss can be a difficult marriage. So much of weight loss is knotted up on the emotional side of my brain and not necessarily the analytical. So to remedy this, I decided to do a data dive:
I looked at my FitPoints
I looked at my tracker (knowing there is some missing data there)
I read over this week’s blog posts
I look at it like there are three broad categories: Gave Up; Struggling; Success. Here is what I found…
I’m projecting today as a “Success” even though it’s not over yet. I can tell it’s going to be a strong day for me though. This little exercise of getting “granular” (I find many administrators like that term, but for today, right now it fits) is helping me think through my current situation. The current situation is I am floundering on plan this week.
This is the story for each day:
Saturday: I attended my Workshop, I went to a kickass spin class I earned 19 FitPoints. I reflected on my blog, and I used 23 SmartPoints – Success!
Sunday: I was very thoughtful about my habits, and I went back to prepping my vegetables for the week, I used 21 SmartPoints – Success!
Monday: I had a stressful start to the work week. I reflected on the value of tracking. I ate when I was not hungry. I used 30 SmartPoints – Struggle.
Tuesday: I had a strong start with another amazing spin class I earned 16 FitPoints. I had to stay at work late, I was there until 7:20 pm. I had a 6:30 pm parent presentation to do, and I found myself picking at chips between work ending and that meeting. Then by the time I got home, close to 8:00 pm. I didn’t care and just ate whatever and didn’t track it. I don’t know how many SmartPoints I used – Gave Up.
Whatever happens, the choice is always up to me. Some days I’m stronger than others. I am electing to put today in the Success category because I can tell today will be a good one. I feel in control, and I have already – signed up for spin for tomorrow, packed/tracked my breakfast and lunch, and I know what I’m making for dinner. Having some data to go back to is important, it’s a gift I gave to myself. I can tell what I’m doing well so I can do more of that. I can think through my mistakes so I can try to be more strategic next time.
I’m not perfect, and I think it’s safe to say, none of us are. Kindness. Gratitude. Objectivity. Reflection. Resolve. These are the words that I am surrounding myself with. I can do this.
Here is the truth about tracking, sometimes making the choice to track is a struggle. Sometimes I just want to eat something without recording it, because when I record it I am held accountable. Sometimes, I decide not to track when I go over my SmartPoints balance. Tonight, I’m not allowing myself that delusion that it doesn’t matter if I eat those fig bars (the package of fig bars has two and one bar is a serving… I ate both). Now my SmartPoints balance is 30 for the day. I’m over my range for weight loss, but still within the range for maintenance. I wouldn’t have known that had I not tracked and thought about it.
Here is another truth about tracking, tracking helped me lose the weight. It just works for me. If I’m avoiding tracking or are unhappy about the numbers in my tracker, then I have to consider why. I don’t like seeing 30 SmartPoints in my tracker tonight. Why’d I do it? I had eaten dessert, I was satisfied with dinner. I think the reason why I ate the extra dessert is because I had a giant bag full of work that had to get done. It took me from when I got home, (excluding making dinner, running my son to Nokado) till 10:45 pm. Obviously, this was frustrating and that probably had something to do with my choice to eat the fig bars.
Tonight I want to remind myself to keep going. I spent all this time and effort to regain my life back by losing 93 pounds. I did it so I could live the rest of my life as the best possible version of myself. For me, that had to involve weight loss. I did all of this as a gift to myself, because this was a gift that only I could grant. If I wanted to make a big change in my life, it had to begin with me. Jennifer, remember to…
Keep going – you can maintain your weight loss
Keep going – you can accomplish your professional goals
Keep going – you are a loving wife and mother who is what they need
Keep going – you have everything you need and you are enough
If given a choice, would it be better to change or stay the same? Sometimes change can be completely daunting. It implies more work, it can make people feel unsure if they are up to the challenges change may bring. Change is a departure from what is known to a more uncertain future.
A chance to change is also an incredible opportunity. In many ways change is a gift that has the potential to redefine life itself. Change is the stuff of growth, it reveals inner strength and flexibility. Change flips old habits into better routines. Change is the very thing that can boost our relationship with ourselves and each other.
Weight loss, careers, relationships all of these things can rest on a chance to change. The most reassuring thing I can share is that the choice is up to us. Will you change your life? Or, will you embrace your life as it is now? I am voting for change. I’m going to remind myself to work from a positive spirit, to celebrate what is good about me so I may aspire to be more than I am now. Change, it’s scary but it’s also wonderful.
But it got worse as the day went on. I’m officially in a bad patch on plan. I’m going to my WW meeting tomorrow but I’m not getting weighed. I just can’t face it. I don’t think it will be helpful. It’s not that I’m in denial I know I’ve gained this week. At this point it won’t be feedback it will be a beating. I will start over tomorrow.
Today, is the day I read my emergency letter I’ve read it before, and it really helped me. One piece of advice I gave to myself is to think through what happened before these old habits came back. I am worried that I squandered my time over the break and did not do enough to prepare for the week ahead. I have quite a lot of work to do and now the clock is ticking. A better way to deal with this is to just get started.
Tomorrow is a new week and another chance to start again. I’m not giving up on me. I see what needs to change, and I’m good at making change happen. I’ll write a list that helps me and I’ll start tomorrow.
Thank you for reading, thank you for supporting me on this journey. I am grateful to have this space to share. I hope it helps you too.
One definition of faith is “to have complete trust and confidence in someone or something”. Another is “to have allegiance to duty or a person, or fidelity”. Perhaps my favorite definition, “something that is believed especially with strong conviction”. This may sound bold, but I have faith in myself.
Trust & Confidence
I trust that I know what to do. I have confidence in myself because I have proven that I know how to make the WW process work for me.
Allegiance & Fidelity
If I can’t have allegiance to myself how can I dedicate myself to anything? My fidelity is for my good health, and I am worth all of this effort and attention.
Belief & Conviction
The story I tell myself wraps up my beliefs. So, I am telling myself a story of success because I am convinced that I can make that story happen.
I tell you this, because I want you to know that that words really matter. Every day we are writing a story. Will your story be one of success? Will your story be one of defeat? Only you get to decide. It’s not that it will be easy but it can be done and you really do get to decide.
I am on spring break and I feel like it came just in time. I had my last day of work for the week. When I came home, I went to spin class. Then by the time I was cooking dinner, I was extremely hungry. I ended up making poor food choices by picking on whatever was convenient or were things I have not eaten in a while. Yes, I’m looking at you peanut butter. I was just so hungry while I was waiting for dinner to finish cooking. I did that (on a much lesser scale) last night too. This is worrisome to me because I know old habits never really die they just go dormant until something kicks them into gear again.
I see the beginning of a pattern. That time from 5:30 pm – 7:00 pm is a very hungry time for me. This makes sense, because that is dinnertime for most people. It seems no matter how hard I try (more often than not) dinner doesn’t get to the table until 7:30 or even 8:30 at night. That’s just too late. I’m going to have to give this situation some time and attention because I’ve worked so hard to build healthy habits and I don’t want to sabotage myself by eating too many SmartPoints because I’m legitimately hungry.
I picked on two pieces of Dove Chocolate tonight. I wasn’t hungry I was making my lunch to get ready for tomorrow and just ate them. What the heck? Now, I have a little remorse. I am happy to share that I did track them so I kept myself accountable (4 Sp). It was a long day and I guess I just wanted a little sweetness.
This journey is a long one and I don’t want to spend it feeling guilty or inadequate because of one choice. This is a process and I am learning to trust it and myself.