Day Fourteen…

I am a contributor to the group called: #dailyjournalchallenge. Each month I write a journal prompt and so I thought I’d share the one I wrote for yesterday, July 25, 2019 – The Elephant & The Rider:

Journal Prompt July 25, 2019 – Jenn Hayhurst

The Elephant: An Emotional Journey

When I think about an elephant I think about a humongous beast who will go and do whatever it wants. They are smelly and have the capacity to trample over whatever gets in their way. They can be fierce, loud, and scary – thundering over the landscape. On the other hand, elephants can be quiet and gentile. They caress each other with their delicate trunks. They are extremely intelligent creatures who are able to communicate with each other, loyal to their herd, and are loving mothers. Elephants, visibly grieve when faced with loss, and it’s true they do have remarkable memories.

How are you shaping your path on your weight loss journey?

If my emotions are an elephant – then I can honestly say I have experienced the destructive elephant and the nurturing elephant. There have been times when I just eat in ways that are mindless and destructive; there have been times when I eat mindfully and view nutrition as an extension of self-care.

The Rider: A Rational Journey

The rider is part of me that attempts to chart the course for my weight loss journey. This blog is an expression of the rider. It is my rational mind trying to get a hold of this huge life goal; to lose the weight and maintain weight loss. My rational self wants to control the story, in a very real sense this blog is my attempt to just write my own story. Every time I track, plan meals, measure my internal and external hunger cues my rider is at the reigns.

It does take some courage to take the riegns and get back control.

Sometimes my rider is absent or let’s be generous and say delinquent from her post. When that happens it’s as though my rational mind acts like a tourist instead of a trail blazer. It becomes a passive sightseer on the ride. “Oh, look, you are going to eat another Enlightened bar, and an extra serving of chips.” or, “Look there is Baskin Robbins in you go…” While on other days the rider is in perfect control anticipating every single bump in the road.

Shaping the Path

The most important work I can do right now to help myself is to shape my path to a successful outcome. I have to get over it and recognize that some days are just going to be very difficult. I can lean into my Headspace app, I can write, I can talk to a friend. I can take pictures of the foods I say no to and I can examine why I want to overindulge at times. I can be active, and appreciate how well my body is recovering. I can tell myself that I am worthy of good things, I am strong, and I can do anything I set my mind to doing. Then, more importantly, I can believe it. I can do this, I’m up for the journey. How about you? Come on let’s go.

Failure…

I ate too much yesterday and now I feel like a failure. I let old habits creep in and I ate mindlessly. Failure isn’t fun. My rational mind says, “Don’t be ridiculous, you’re being dumb.” While my emotional mind says “Yep, you blew it. Back to old habits.” The two vacillate back and forth as if it’s a vengeful tennis match and my neck hurts from whiplash as I watch the volley.

Me and my rational/emotional mind games.

Hey, did you notice that neither voice was very kind? I just did reading this back to myself.

As my friend, Regina would say, “I’m going to throw myself a pity party.” This is so damn hard sometimes. I wish, wish, wish it weren’t but it is and I don’t think it will ever get easier. I think I’m always going to have to think about this and fight my natural predisposition about food. That sucks, that really sucks, boo-hoo… That’s it. That’s all I have to say about that. It actually helps to say that here because this blog is my place to always tell the truth about what it takes to lose weight and maintain my weight loss. It just plain old sucks.

I put in “beauty” in my media library and this image showed up – it is truly beautiful.

So what’s next? Well, I printed my action plan. The one I wrote the other day – and I’m putting it up and am going to carry it around with me. I can try that. I can forgive myself because this is hard, and I have done something amazing – I lost 93 pounds. That’s literally a huge accomplishment. Today I entered my code for my #WW #LIFETIME status and that is something to be really proud of – I did that – me. I can remind myself of all of this as I write this post sitting in my kitchen, cooking homemade sauce in my size four jeans. I’m doing this for me and I am hoping my words are reaching you and inspiring you to do the same.