Why do this? If I am going to be real with you I have to say, today feels like a lot of work to stay on track with healthy habits. It would be nice to ignore serving sizes, or not to not to have to debate one food choice over another. I really would like two pieces of pizza and that glass of wine. Don’t say it. I know I can have both but if I want more immediate success I really can’t. So now is a good time to circle back to my why – not just in the words that I share but with my whole being. Why do this?
I am doing this because I like having energy. I like being able to move more freely. I want to remain in the best health possible for the rest of my life. I like having lots of choice in the clothes I can wear. I like recognizing my own face in the mirror, when I was at my heaviness I was unrecognizable to myself. I remember how I felt back then, I remember how I felt after I achieved Goal and Lifetime status. The thing I remember the most was the good feeing of self control. These are the reasons that define my “why” so I am going to stick with it and power through.
I feel like I am in a groove. I am making progress. I tracked everything I ate and continued to keep a photo journal. I used 28 SmartPoints for the day:
A challenge for working from home is that I am here and so is everyone else. They all understand that I’m working, but since I’m right there in the dining room, I am very available to them too. I am going to clean up my office and move in there. It’s a more removed part of the house and I think that will help the situation.
Here are some things I am missing today:
I already miss spending time with my sister.
I miss being able to go to spin class and my in person workshop.
I miss feeling secure walking around with other people.
I miss dropping off my son at school – his last year of High School.
I miss working in classrooms of students.
Being afraid takes a toll and today I am feeling it more today than yesterday. I am scared for myself, my loved ones and friends, and for everyone else. Acknowledging how I really feel helps. Uncertainty is all around but the best thing I can do is be real with myself.
Keep trying. There is something powerful about naming this as grief. It helps us feel what’s inside of us.
I was working in a quiet corner of my bedroom when the phone rang. It was Dave’s sister needing to talk. I put the computer aside on the ottoman and left the warm yellow embrace of my room, and went into the hallway past the blue lights seeping out of a gaming consul in my son’s darkened room. Down the wooden steps past the stained glass windows into the living room where Sadie pawed at a ball and did that cute growly bark I so adore. Then through the kitchen, where my daughters were playing Asian music, cooking tofu and vegetables. “Where’s daddy?” I asked. “I dunno upstairs?” Hayley offered, “No, I was upstairs…” I said as I headed down another set of stairs. I past the washer/dryer and walked into the office. There was Dave, laying on his back stretching out his back on a mat on the floor. “It’s for you.” I handed off the phone and thought for a moment, there is so much life in the house.
Comfort is waiting there in plain sight, all I have to do is to notice it. I really want to remember this moment I want to appreciate how it made me feel. I am home with my family – I love them and for this I am filled with gratitude and I want to make that feeling linger.
I took a picture of everything I ate today because I am putting in the effort to build up my healthy habits:
Here are somethings I did today to help me :
I tracked my food and planed ahead
I ate my meals without distraction
I wearing jeans, not sweatpants or workout clothes
I put on makeup and did what I could with my hair
I danced in the kitchen with my kids just for fun
I played with Sadie
I am appreciating my husband and all that he does for us
What are you doing to help yourself mange this crazy time in our lives? If you are looking for something engaging to do – here is a fabulous opportunity, The Science of Wellbeing:
It is a really interesting course, and if you sign up, let me know. I’d rather spend my time finding comfort and thinking about personal happiness if I am able to.
One last thing, I got lucky today look what I found with my school books:
Long Island isn’t visible on most maps of the United States. It is a small outer island, belonging to the state of New York. I live in a quiet suburban town on the north shore of western Suffolk. This is a place of tree lined streets, local schools, houses of worship, shopping malls, and big box stores. Driving down any given street you will see local contractors, landscapers, and delivery trucks.
If you’re an “Islander” chances are good that commuting is part of your life. The Long Island Rail Road bustles with people heading into Manhattan. The LIE is always backed up traveling west bound and there are usually speed traps along the Sunken Meadow Parkway heading north. I am one of many people living on this vibrant busy island trying to navigate my way through life.
Today I went food shopping for my neighbor. She emailed me her list and Dave and I went to the food store. While I checked off her items, I was careful to keep my distance from the others. Some wore masks, others gloves, and I just kept my head down looking at her list. I thought about her living alone in the house right next door to mine, I worried about her and I felt a little heartbroken that it took a disaster for me to feel so much for someone who lives so close. As we checked out, we bought her a bouquet of flowers and placed them in her bag. That would be cheerful.
When we got back home we left the bags on her porch, rang the bell, and briskly walked down the steps to back into her driveway. She cried when she saw the flowers, and so did I. There was this flood of gratitude mixed with an underlying sense of dread at the same time. This is not just happening on my little island, this is the whole wide world.
What Can We Do?
We will do whatever we can. We will take care of ourselves, and each other. We will share our feelings and be honest about what we need to get through this terrible time. We will nurture hope and be courageous. If you don’t believe that yet, it’s ok there are no rules for how to cope with this, it is surreal. In the meantime, don’t eat a lot of sugar, get some rest, and stay hydrated. Go outside when you can, and move your body. I will be posting, so if you want to share feel free to use this space. Make yourself at home, I’m scared too, we are all in this together.
Writing this post feels a little like coming home. Circumstances have made it difficult for me to find balance. I certainly have not been practicing self-care, or paid much attention to my health goals. The truth is, I have been struggling for a while now. This post is my small attempt to scratch out a little time that is dedicated to my own sense of wellbeing.
I went to my WW Workshop this morning and vowed to participate in the “Blue Dot Challenge” Day one is in the books, and I’m happy to report nothing but blue skies over here:
I am going to track all of the foods I eat, because I know that is how this program works for me. I know that will feel more confident as I continue to make up for some lost ground when it comes to weight loss. There have been long stretches of posts on this blog where my weight loss journey hummed along at a good clip whereas this post is a baby step to help me start again.
Sometimes things don’t go as I plan. I did so many great things today to support my weight loss goals. I packed my lunch, I tracked, I weighed and measured my portions, I cooked a healthy dinner. I did all of this and as I did it I thought, Ok I will have more than enough SmartPoints left over to have my Sugar-Free Skinny Cow Ice cream after I clean up dinner. All the dinner leftovers were away, and the kitchen was clean. I slid open the freezer door anticipating my special dessert. I opened the blue box… Empty.
Standing there, eyebrows furrowed mouth open, staring down at the empty box in my freezer. I actually had a little tantrum, How could this be – it’s bad enough to eat them all but to leave an empty box in the freezer – WHAT? Like a small child might I actually stomped my feet and said, “I wanted ice cream.” I’m not very proud of myself but this blog is a place to tell the truth and this is the truth.
I ended up eating a scoop of regular ice cream, and I still rolled over 2 SmartPoints. Yet as I ate it the resentment still lingered from my let down. Sometimes things don’t go as I plan but that does not mean I am off plan. Making adjustments along the way is something I’m still learning how to do. Anyway, I am on plan making good choices and most importantly I believe in me. I can do this, and so can you.
Two times today I was really hungry. Once before lunch and the other time as I was cooking dinner. For a moment I thought, Well I must be losing weight because I’m pretty hungry. You ever feel that way?
I think it is a false sign. Hunger means it is time to eat, and I’d rather eat when I’m not feeling out of control. Just a quick thought. It was a great day on plan overall.
Today was the Super Bowl LIV (54 – yes I had to look it up as this is the only time we Americans use Roman Numerals). I was the dutiful wife and prepared snacks for my husband as he enjoyed the game. It made me happy to make it special for him. And as an added bonus, these foods weren’t all the tempting to me. I don’t really love chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mini beef pockets, or mozzarella sticks. Temptation was successfully averted! Woo Hoo!
Now the game is over, and congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs! The the dishes are all stacked inside the dishwasher, and I am left to think, would I have been as successful if I enjoyed those foods? Would I have to make a vow not ever to eat the foods I really do like in order to keep the weight off? The answer is decidedly “No.” There really can’t be any foods that are totally off limits if my weight loss is going to stick for the rest of my life. Learning how to eat foods I really enjoy in moderation continues to be a learning curve for me. However, this is one lesson I’m going to have to learn.
I’m not there yet. I do overindulge and sometimes I do eat to get some comfort or relief from stress or anxiety. I am grateful that I am at least self-aware to know this about myself. The next phase is to take an active role in changing these behaviors. I’m open to suggestions by the way so if you have any ideas of how to stop overindulgences as they are happening please let me know.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I go to Teachers College in NYC tomorrow. I’ll take some pictures and let you know how the day went. We can do this, and better than that we can do it together.
Whatever you believe influences your reality. If you are the kind of person who is going along with a weight loss program but you don’t really believe it will work, chances are good it will turn out that way. People who are successful tend to be the ones who believe they can do this and that becomes their reality. I have come to the point in my weight loss journey that I know this is the truth.
I have experienced both sides of belief – yes I can and no I can’t. Since 2017 I have been living the life of yes I can do this – I believe I can stay engaged and keep going. Recently, it has been extremely difficult to keep believing in me.
I had a great day on plan. I’m rolling over four points. I ate a half of slice of pizza for lunch and was satisfied. I am starting to believe in me again, and have made a promise to keep at this. So it would help to know you that you are all out there doing the same. Don’t give up even if you had or are having a setback. This is the part of the story where you can be your own hero. Say this and believe it, I can do this and with some effort and kindness you will.
No weigh in today, I just didn’t want to see that number go up from last week. Yesterday was a disaster, and old habits hit me right between the eyes. I wish I were able to write that I had better coping skills but making the choice not to face it was my best for today. So, I checked into my workshop, sat down and took lots and lots of notes.
I listened to members share their strategies, and lend each other support. I’ve decided to adopt a beginner’s mind and treat the plan as though I were “brand new” I used my weigh in book to reflect on my week, write a weekly goal, and a daily goal for today: to organize my kitchen and clean out my refrigerator. One other thing I want to add aside from taking a fresh approach to WW is to be self-aware of my internal hunger cues. I really want to work on eating when I’m hungry.
I can’t deny it, I’m disappointed in myself; although, I don’t really know what my expectations ought to be. If I’m doing my best, does it automatically mean that I’m going to be successful? Not always. If I’m not doing my best, why aren’t I? One thing I do know is that I think about my weight loss journey every day. On days when it’s not going so well that one statistic (only 17% of people maintain weight loss) tends to loom bigger in my thoughts. Why would I do that to myself? Fear, I guess. I guess I’m afraid of sliding backwards and just being another statistic.
I’m not a statistic though, I am imperfect, persistent, and hopeful. I hope I can keep this up, and I’m working at it. I write tonight with a grateful heart, thank you for reading.