January 17, 2021 is a late for an end of the year reflection, but I guess I needed some time to process all that happened and is still happening. To say so much has changed for all of our lives in an understatement. I could write about loss in almost every aspect of my life. Covid-19 has been and continues to be shadow of death and despair the world over. I am wrestling with my feelings of loss for my country both politically and socially. Systematic racism has been revealed to me and it is something that I cannot “unsee” so I am doing the work for how to be an anti-racist.
“When we identify where our privilege intersects with somebody else’s oppression, we’ll find our opportunities to make real change.”
All the of the deep rooted problems of my nation are being laid bare for all to see this year, I can take some comfort that our society is one where that can happen. We are imperfect, and the work that comes next is to continue to try to “form a more perfect union” a goal which will not be attained in my lifetime but is one worth fighting for for the rest of my life. I do take some solace in knowing that violence, for any cause is not to be tolerated. No one is above the law and people who either incite or promulgate violence will be punished within the parameters of the law.
My health and wellness goals have taken a beating this year. Overwhelmed by the enormity of the challenges of these times, combined with the theft of my systems of support (in person WW meetings, and Spin classes) to maintain my health and weight loss have proved devastating. Community is an invaluable part of my success and I am still grieving the loss of that community but I am not the type of person to give up on a worthy cause. In this case, my health is the worthy cause here. I am dedicating myself to get back to goal.
I weighed myself yesterday and can now quantify the impact of my struggle in terms of black and white. I am working WW for all that it is worth. I am on the Purple Plan because I think it is still the best fit for me right now. The other action I took (with the full support of my husband, Dave) is I bought a Peloton. I can tell you that it is a real bonafide spin bike and I leave my workouts with that familiar sense of relief and wellbeing. It is a great stress reliever for me and I am very grateful to have one.
If I am to be completely honest, and this blog is a place for compete honesty or else what is the point? Not everything I lost was bad, and not everything I found was good this year. Maybe the lesson I am supposed to learn is that it is not really about what was lost or found, it is what remains. My resolve to be the best I can is what remains. Let’s promise to believe in ourselves and try to make the world a little brighter along the way. I will and I hope you will too.
Working through lunch was a bad idea. I was so busy and it was so cold outside that I didn’t want to stop to eat lunch in my car. I ate my sandwich on the ride home, and by then I was famished.
Dealing with pressure and coping with stress. There is a lot of work to do get services up and going for students. That, and there are many #COVID19 cases everywhere, and I am very afraid of catching it.
The healing power of a home cooked meal. When I came home from work, my daughter had prepared a delicious turkey breast, with gravy mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables. The whole family ate dinner around the table and it was a special way to end a long day.
In the end, it was a good day on plan. I am rolling over two SmartPoints and that feels pretty great. I am relearning how to roll with the ups and downs of living a life on plan and thee is no place I’d rather be.
Well… COVID19 has me feeling anxious. I am doing my best to cope with that but it is very hard. Anxious, is how I am feeling and I am just trying to live within this moment, knowing that it is important to feel my emotions and not suppress the unpleasant ones. Yet as I look around my house, it is very warm and the decorations look so beautiful. My house has never looked more lovely during the holidays as it does right now.
I think I need my home to be a beautiful space because I need a sanctuary, a safe haven against a world full of bad news. I need home more than ever which is strange because just like many of you, I have spent more time at home than ever before. Now I find myself counting the days till Christmas vacation because all I want is to be safe at home with the ones I love.
It was not hard to have a good day on plan, and that makes me very happy. I can feel the habits slipping into place, giving me the support I need to grow my comeback to my healthy lifestyle.
Driving through Huntington Village we came across the building that you see in my featured image. I just have to love the creative spirit that reimagined an old building. We actually went to Huntington to see their Tree of Hope:
Our COVID19 rates are getting higher and it was very crowded so we did not walk around but it did look beautiful.
Today was another successful day, and it was easier. I am so grateful things are turning around.
It’s amazing how the habit of healthy eating can just come back. It’s as if I just realized again the over indulgences of food just didn’t make me feel any better. I am not buying new clothes, so now what should I do? Start again. So here I am and today I felt the most in control yet. Maybe it’s knowing that somewhere my Peloton is being made and that makes me feel like I will be getting the positive release I so desperately need. Maybe it was just time to come to my senses. I guess the thing is it is never too late to start over.
If 2020 has taught me anything it is this, I have a new found appreciation for the ability to feel optimistic. This is not to say that this year is in the rearview window, but for now, I am feeling optimistic about where I am. Someone reading this might be like, she is nuts. Why would she feel good after sliding backwards on her weight loss journey? To those people I might say, “Haters!” Just kidding. I think I would really say, “I discovered that I’m more resilient than I thought, that is a very good reason to feel optimistic. I’m back baby.” Oh I rolled over 2 SmartPoints and tracked everything. Woo Hoo!
Tracking a success today! Everything went into my #WW app. It doesn’t sound like much, but I feel really good about it. I am so appreciative of all the kind words of encouragement readers left me yesterday. Many thanks to you I am truly grateful.
The Purple plan on #WW affords 16 SmartPoints, and I did exceed that but the important thing is that I know that I did. So when one of my kids asked me if I wanted a hot cocoa, I said “No thanks, I have a seltzer.” Just being aware of what I have eaten today made a difference. So here is to starting small but starting non the less.
Have you ever lost something spent hours looking for it? Then as an afterthought, not really expecting to find it, you open the junk drawer in the kitchen and there it is looking at you in the face. “Hi, I’ve been here all along just waiting for you.” That is where I’ve been. I’ve been looking for my motivation to keep going on this journey to better health and weight loss since the pandemic began. I think I finally found the right drawer, in the very last spot I could have looked; and now, I am ready to begin again.
Beginning again, is an extremely generous gift I am giving myself. I have to confess, I have gained weight since #COVID19 took away the supports that helped me to get where I was. No more in person #WW meetings with my Greenlawn Goal Setters. The community that held me and kept me going has been dismantled by corporate and even though there are virtual spaces to “see” each other, it is not the same. I miss being with my dear sister every Saturday, carpooling to Greenlawn be with our friends. I have always maintained that it is the sense of community that makes #WW a successful program for me. This is not the only loss, #COVID19 has also taken away the 5:15 am spin with my favorite instructor, Michelle. Now I do not get the physical release that helped me deal with stress, and give me the boost to take on the day. And just when it couldn’t be worse, worry has been my constant companion throughout this dark time our lives.
The match that lit this flame to my newly found motivation was that my hubby convinced me to buy a new Peloton. I don’t have it yet, but just knowing there is one being made for me and that it is on its way is enough to stoke my inner motivation.
I’ve missed you, readers. I’ve missed the woman I am when I write for you too. I have felt like a failure, like an imposter, over these months. So many starts and stops only to dissolve into defeat. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not a failure, I am not an imposter. I have to keep telling myself my own story, that I have done this once and I can do it again. It’s not like I’m starting completely over. I am still way ahead of where I once was. I am going to keep it simple. I’m going to track my food in my tracker, next week I’m going to weigh in at home, and I am going to get enough rest. And if you’ll have me, each day I am going to write you and let you know how it is going. I hope you are well, Let’s just believe in ourselves together that we can do this. Ok? More tomorrow.
A full week of being fully present on plan has come to a close. Forty-four SmartPoints are left over in my bank, and I am still full from dinner. Switching to #purple and eating whole foods is working for me. It has given me a welcome boost to help me get my head back in the game. Whatever path you are taking on your journey to better health, change it up from time to time because it really does help to keep it keep going.
Weigh in day is tomorrow so wish me luck. I’ll let you know what we discuss over our Zoom workshop.