Disappointment…

I am like many of you, I value work, and I am very dedicated to my career. It’s winter break and I am staying home. and I plan on being productive and organizing my house and working on projects for school. That will be good, but there is something else – I’m feeling pretty disappointed. I am not stealing off to some remote destination and kicking back away from my regular routine.

I guess I’m longing for some carefree fun. I am wishing for some time that I am not dealing with all the pressures of my life. I’m sure if you are reading this post, you may understand. Then today, I found myself looking and wanting to some of these…

Thankfully, my resolve held fast, and I didn’t buy any of them. It’s only now that I’ve had some time to reflect that I realize that it’s not this that I really want – it’s fun.

I wanted that feeling of freedom and good times. Why would I confuse food for fun? I don’t know. Maybe it’s some primitive response that enjoying something sweet triggers in the brain, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter. It just is. I think the more important thing is that I recognize the behavior. I think that is the thing that is really essential. I also think that I am not alone, I think there are many of us who unknowingly turn to food as a substitute for some kind of longing.

If I didn’t have this insight and the behavior was to stay unconscious, I might eat something high in points and then say something like, “You’re an idiot! Why’d you do that?” (That quote actually comes to you right out of my WW Workshop today). But in reality, the truth is, I’m not going away this winter break and that is disappointing. I’m not doing some of the same things my friends and colleagues are doing and I wish I were.

I used to turn to food. I don’t do that anymore, or at least not today – yay! I think it would be hubris to say that I will never repeat that behavior again. I know that it’s dug down deep. Now at least, I can say, that I’m aware of it and I think that’s a big deal. I am going to trust myself and rely on that awareness to keep me from repeating past mistakes. That’s good enough for today.

I realize that I may sound insensitive to some of you. For that, I am sorry. Deep down, I know that I am truly blessed. I have a home, a family, I get to teach children to read and write and to believe in themselves. That is truly a blessing. I do know that to some people reading this post, my disappointment may sound self-centered and spoiled. However, this blog is a space that I’ve created, for me to be totally honest.

So, even though I know I am blessed, I am still disappointed. I’d rather put my disappointment here on the screen than make some foolish choices that take me away from my goal. Maintaining weight loss is hard to do for a reason. Thank you for reading.

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